Control, When You Have None

I like going to sold out concerts. The kind where the crowd is so packed in, that your feet barely touch the ground. When the crowd merges into one, sweat soaked being, belting out the lyrics at the top of it's lungs. I get lost in the mass of people. I lose control, and move on the whim of the crowd, instead of on my own.

I don't often give up control in my life. If the audience didn't command me to move and dance and sing and have fun, I would just stand there with my hands in my pockets. My life is governed by control.

So when life takes me where I don't want to go, I turn to the only thing that I can control, video games. Justin McElroy of Joystiq once told a very personal story about why he plays games on a b-side episode of A Life Well Wasted. It explained everything I've always felt, in ways that I had never been able to articulate.

Recently you may have noticed a severe lack of my presence on the Internet. If you don't follow me on Twitter, you probably have no idea why. If you do follow me on Twitter, I apologize for pissing and moaning about every stupid detail for so long. Long story short, life has gotten very complicated.

Throughout the last week or so, I've run the gamut of emotions. I just didn't imagine joy or excitement would be a part of that. I pretty much gave up everything I had normally done. Writing on this blog included. Still, I'm a man of principle, and I agreed to take part in the Bitmob Game Club so I did just that.

I sunk myself into Cave Story, obsessively playing parts I couldn't beat over and over until I had conquered them. It wasn't until I recently completed the game that I realized something. I hadn't thought of anything going on in my life the entire time. I was happy and having fun instead of pissy and depressed.

I thought of what Justin McElroy had said, about games giving you control at a time when you have none. It's been this way my entire life. When I felt like an outcast in school, I would come home and turn to games. I couldn't tell you how many times I've beaten Shining Force 2. It was the only game I owned for quite awhile that had enough depth for me to obsess over.

Video games have gotten me through a lot of tough times in my life, I just never knew it. I know they'll help me get through the things I'm going through now, as I plan to pour my sorrows into Final Fantasy 7. Hopefully once I'm through the things I need to get through, I'll come back to writing in full force and tell you about all the crap I played for endless amounts of time.